Bottom Of The Pile: Teen Titans #81

Catching up on my comic book reading late the other night I picked up the most recent issue of the Teen Titans in my possession and prepared myself for 20 minutes - or so - of easy-going, middle-of-the-road, uninspired superheroics.

What I got instead, thanks to writer Felicia D Henderson, was some of the worst fanfiction I have ever read with characters spurting stilted, faux heroic dialogue stuffed to bursting point with every hackneyed cliché you could imagine.

I don't know whose sister, aunt, housekeeper or girlfriend Ms Henderson is but, pretty please with a cherry on top, DC, get her off this comic as soon as humanly possible.

The Teen Titans is one of the few titles I stick with out of loyalty - along with Marvel's Fantastic Four - regardless of the quality of the stories, as it was a pile of Wolfman/Perez era New Teen Titans comics in a book exchange in Tunbridge Wells, coinciding with Steve's new found passion for the medium, that got me hooked for life on comics in the '80s.

Of late my expectations for the title have sunk pretty low, with the constantly changing line-up of the team and stories that jump around so much you'd need a map to keep up, but this issue hit a new low that made me wonder how I'd missed Henderson's 'unique' style of writing before.

Bombshell (hero): "I'd like just one minute to show you what I'm workin' with."
Holocaust (villain): You couldn't take me in one century."

Sadly the artwork by Joe Bennett is so pedestrian that it does little to distract from the amateur nature of the whole comic, making it look and read like a juvenile fan effort that has been given the DC spit-and-polish to make it presentable to the cash-paying public.

Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if it's actually some parody or satire and I'm not in on the joke.

Holocaust (upon the arrival of more Titans): Welcome! To the day you all die.

I was strangely relieved to discover I was not alone in stumbling over Henderson's primary school level of dialogue when my Google Reader pulled an article from the titanstower.com Monitor Room blog showcasing Internet-wide dislike for her style of prose.

Bombshell: Gotta hit him hard. Harder than you've ever hit anything.

It's not a personal attack, I'm sure Felicia's a lovely woman and means well, but could someone please teach her the basics of dramatic writing or give her something else to do with her time.

I don't have high expectation for the Teen Titans these days which is why I'd love to be surprised by some quality scripting for a change rather than have my low aspirations exceeded in the wrong direction.

Cyborg: I could follow Beast Boy's biosignature anywhere.
Holocaust: Then you won't mind following him to death.
Cyborg: Actually I'd mind a lot. I'd say it's time for all cowardly monsters to retire.
Kid Flash: And speaking of retirement...
Superboy: ...it's a perfect time for a couple of Teen Titans to come out of it.

See how the natural dialogue flows...